Here is a brainstorming list of all the Jesuses of the Catholicist Nation. Organizing and defining is in process. It is intended to be comprehensive. For your input please email me. Go to the Preface for this List
Aggressive Jesus Alien Visitor From Space Jesus All Pervasive All Through The Universe And In All Things Jesus Allah Jesus Alpha Male Jesus American Jesus American Dream Jesus Anarchy Jesus Anti-Christ Jesus Anti-racist Jesus Anything Goes Jesus Aristocrat Jesus Astrological Sun God Jesus Attenuated Jesus Augustus Jesus Authoritarian Jesus Avatar Jesus Baal Jesus Back in the Day Jesus Bastard Offspring of a Raped Teenager Jesus Beer-Drinking Buddy Jesus Big Butter Jesus Big Game Jesus Black Jesus Blond Blue-Eyed Jesus Blue Collar Jesus Buddhist Jesus Buddy Jesus Buffet Jesus Bumper Sticker Jesus Burning Man Jesus Butler Jesus Caesar Jesus Calvinist Jesus Capitalist Jesus Captain Jesus Caricature Jesus Carpenter's Son Jesus Catholic Jesus 1 Celebrity Jesus Charismatic Jesus Christmas and Easter Jesus that you have a right to talk about during the season Christian Scientist Jesus Cis Jesus Civil Religion Jesus Classic Christianity Jesus Clean-Cut Well-Groomed Upright Jesus Codependent Jesus Communist Jesus Company Man Jesus Compliant Jesus Condemnatory Jesus Confused Jesus Conservation Minded Environmentally Sensitive Jesus Conservative Jesus Conspiracy Theory Jesus Consumerist Jesus Contemporary Jesus Cool Dude Jesus Cool Nonthreatening Jesus of the postmodern church where pastors wear Hawaiian shirts, provocative art covers the walls, and bongos are played in the worship band Copilot Jesus Corporate Jesus Cosmic Jesus Critical Theory Jesus Crusading Jesus Cult Jesus Culturally Relevant Jesus Customized Jesus Cybele Jesus Cynic Sage Jesus Darwinism Jesus Dead Jesus Demiurge Jesus Democrat Jesus Demon Jesus Dictator Jesus Disneyland Jesus Doctor Jesus Domesticated Jesus Dominionist Jesus Drill Sergeant Jesus Eastern Mystic Jesus Elitist Eastern Establishment Jesus Elvis Jesus Emergent Church Jesus Epicurean Jesus Equity Enforcing Jesus Equivocating Jesus Ethnically Pleasing Jesus Evil Jesus Evil Twin Jesus Evolving Jesus Exhaustive Immersion in Religious Busywork Jesus Existential Jesus Expedient Jesus Extraterrestrial Jesus Facebook Jesus Fact Check Jesus Fancy Painting Jesus Fantasy Jesus Fashionable Jesus Fear Mongering Jesus Feminine Jesus Financial Manager Jesus Financial Peace University Jesus Fine Practitioner Jesus Fixer-Upper Jesus Flower Child Jesus Flying Spaghetti Monster Jesus Fox News Jesus Furious Jesus Gaia Jesus Galilean Holy Man Jesus Gay Jesus Gender Identity Jesus Genie Jesus Genius Jesus Giving Back Jesus Gladiator Jesus Globalist Jesus Gnostic Jesus God Bless America Jesus God Club Jesus Goddess Jesus Good Prophet Jesus Good Teacher Jesus Got Jesus? Jesus Grand Sez Who Jesus Great Moral Example Jesus Great Scholar Jesus Great Spirit in the Sky Jesus Great Swami Jesus Guru Jesus Haloed Jesus Hero Jesus Heteronormative Jesus Highly Ethical Jesus Hindu Jesus Hip Jesus Hip Hop Jesus Historical Jesus Homeless Charismatic Jesus Homosexual Jesus Humanist Jesus "I can believe in whatever I want at the time" Jesus Iconic Jesus Imaginary Jesus Imperial Jesus Impoverished Jesus Incrementalist Approach Jesus Insane Jesus Inspirational Jesus who's good enough just with what he said Islamic Jesus Jefferson's Bible Jesus Jehovah’s Witness Jesus Jesus among the many gods as one who can get me what I want that he can and the others can't Jesus among the many Jesuses who are only acceptable to believe in if vetted by the authorized expert academia or mass media Jesus as one of the gods in the great pantheon of gods Jesus Charlie (or Jesus Bruxelles or any other "Je Suis" god behind which to rally after a terrorist incident) 2 "Jesus Christ Show" Jesus Jesus H. Christ on a Bicycle Jesus Jesus I can only understand if my pastor (or priest or teacher or favorite writer) explains him to me Jesus I'm excused for dismissing since there are so many, I mean how can you know who he really is after all? Jesus in an eternal Celebrity Death Match with Satan Jesus in the church service where the leader insists he just let "the Holy Spirit lead" as an excuse to be inadequately prepared for some purposeful activity in a worship assembly gathering Jesus in the stained glass window Jesus leading the righteous crusade Jesus married to Mary Magdalene and hidden from the world by sinister secret societies Jesus of color Jesus of my interpretive community Jesus of my world view Jesus of our own perfect utopian commune where everyone is perfectly pious and perfectly industrious to ensure peace and togetherness Jesus of the agnostic Jesus of the atheist Jesus of the bitter ex-Christian Jesus of the codependent 3 Jesus of the deist Jesus of the essentials of the historic Christian faith Jesus of the ethnocentric Jesus of the Frankfurt School whose adherents are vehemently encouraged to ensure everyone is on board with government whacking anyone who is even remotely responsible (notably if not exclusively older white straight angry males) for the systemic oppression of others (younger stylish exceedingly-tolerant sexually-unconventional counter-culture people of color) Jesus of the generally good person anyway Jesus of the LGBTQ movement Jesus of the Machiavellian leader who knows any Jesus that works to generate abiding fear in his rule is terrific Jesus of the moralistic therapeutic deist, someone who belongs to the most prominent religion in the 21st century in which you may find comfort in just trying to be a good person, feelin' good inside, and convinced God is pretty much a non-issue but if someone else wants to believe that stuff they certainly can Jesus of the naturalist Jesus of the one who habitually screams "Jesus Christ" when something bad happens Jesus of the one who has firmly believed in a counterfeit Jesus for some time and after he or she becomes exasperated that the Jesuit-fed questions cannot be answered by the group of people incapable of answering them because they've bought into the Jesuit-driven doubts one must have about Jesus, abandons "the faith" in an openly bitter fashion Jesus of the one who pugnaciously refuses to understand that this list of Jesuses is posted for the exclusive purpose of encouraging readers to abandon any of the gross misconceptions they may have, and to seek, find, know, and put their faith upon The Real One, and that the compiler of this list is in no way claiming to have any authoritative inside track on Him outside of anything He already shares with us Jesus of the one who simply hasn't the slightest consideration of Jesus as the only rescue from his or her eternally lethal predicament, much because he or she has only been told about the straw-man one Jesus of the one who trusts merely in family, friends, and reflexive self Jesus of the perennial victim Jesus of the polytheist Jesus of the subjectivist Jesus of those insisting “I don’t have a Jesus” Jesus of those outraged that one would presume they would even care about Jesus, much less "have" a Jesus Jesus of those violently enraged that anyone would presume they do indeed have some god they zealously worship when all they want is to feel good about how much they are seen as someone who just trusts in science Jesus of those who always declare, "How dare you assume MY Jesus in not the real one!" Jesus of those who ferociously insist the things in the Bible that clearly should be taken literally are merely symbolic Jesus of those who ferociously insist the things in the Bible that clearly should be taken symbolically are actually literal Jesus of those who must sing the same verse/chorus over and over and over again pleading how much they want him to come visit them in their church service Jesus of those who proudly proclaim themselves above all such superstitions like Jesus Jesus of those who really knew who he was, like the Essenes Jesus of those who tell people they like him when they only want to look wholesome enough to get in with other wholesome-looking people Jesus stuck in a country-western song for added emotional effect Jesus that can be changed into a circular wafer because some guy in a very fancy robe tells him to Jesus that is just the Great Cosmic Oneness we're all part of Jesus that is merely a seductively compelling anti-Christ Jesus that is one of the thousands who say they are really Jesus but are just mentally ill Jesus that is whatever god one's interpretive community tells them is the true one, including the god belonging to the interpretive community of the postmodernist who seems to feel he or she is above such interpretive communities in order to tell us truths about interpretive communities even though his or her interpretive community is exempt from being one that exerts unjust power over others with those claims Jesus that should stay in church where he belongs Jesus to find in his different cultural manifestations as I travel the world Jesus to get warm feelings about because he's in the news or being talked about a lot Jesus to put off believing in until the time you decide to shape up Jesus to stoke the bonfire of the vanities Jesus up there in the air somewhere to whom sports stars point after accomplishing some splendid athletic feat Jesus useful for rationalizing all kinds of things Jesus who allows me to rationalize my sin with widely embraced but severely contorted interpretations of Scripture Jesus who always luckily bails me out of bad situations I always seem to get myself in Jesus who can't possibly be real because so many previous ancient major religious cults had Jesus figures just like him with exactly the same details about their lives as he had in his Jesus who couldn't possibly put poor innocent people into hell because he's supposed to love Jesus who fights with me against THE MAN Jesus who hates wealthy people and wants government to take more of their money to give to poor people Jesus who heads the firm of Jesus Christ and Company Jesus who is just some religion's main guy Jesus who is that one celebrity so dynamically charismatic that I must follow him or her Jesus who is that one person in the group who is so wise that he or she is the one I should follow Jesus who is the married founder of a large family whose descendants live on in anonymity while pursuing a goddess religion Jesus who is the Superior General of the Society of Jesus 4 Jesus who is too intolerant Jesus who is too tolerant Jesus who just got all his stuff from the Zoroastrians Jesus who kept secrets that only the enlightened few may know Jesus who kicks butt for the U.S. of A. Jesus who knows racism [or whichever preferred awful thing] is truly the worst thing on the planet and must be expunged from every corner of every institution Jesus who lets me give vent to my proclaimed sexual proclivities because that's who he made me to be Jesus who makes sure I'm healthy, wealthy, and wise Jesus who needs to be rescued from some unfavorable opposing interest who claim to know him Jesus who never answered questions but only asked them so you could think for yourselves 5 Jesus who only accepts as authoritative the language of the 1611 King James Bible Jesus who speaks to the culture Jesus who tolerates all religions and ideas and points of view Jesus who was really a socialist when you think about it Jesus who when he returns will only come for me and my church (with the exception of a few I know) Jesus who will talk to you if your ask him through the planchette Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of all the expected sacraments or penances Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of the retreat weekend in the mountains Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of the rigorous eight-week seminar Jesus who'll make everything better after we just elect the right people into political office Jesus who's just Mithras rehashed for more popular consumption today Jesus who's perfectly fine with my sin as long as I confess often enough Jesus who's really upset with those horrible government people who aren't in my party or ideology Jesus whose main thrust was equality for everyone Jesus whose stories make for great television entertainment Jesuses of the henotheist 6 Jesuses of the pluralist John Galt Jesus Judaist Jesus Judas Jesus Just Jesus and Only Jesus (that is, the Jesus without dogma) Just Some Religion's Main Guy Jesus Karen Jesus Kickin' Ass Jesus Las Vegas Jesus Law Abiding Jesus Leader of the Rebellion Jesus Leadership Empowerment Motivational Jesus Legendary Jesus Liberal Jesus Libertarian Jesus Libertine Jesus Lifestyle Jesus Light-Switch Jesus Lohasian Jesus 7 Lucifer Jesus Lutheran or Episcopal Jesus to believe in because he is a lot like the Catholic one and he is really the best one but the Church has become too corrupt and the evangelical one is just too all-over-the-place, you know, just not liturgical enough 8 Magician Jesus Mainstream Jesus Mainstream Media Anointed Jesus that is okay for us all to think about Major Network News Anchor Jesus who speaks with such seriousness and authority that what he says must be true Male Chauvinist Jesus Man Who Really Looks and Acts Like Jesus Marduk Jesus Marginal Jew Jesus Marxist Jesus Mask-wearing Jesus to fully ensure no one can accuse anyone of giving anyone else any disease of any kind Masonic Jesus Materialism Jesus Media Darling Jesus Merely Human Jesus Merovingian Blood Line Jesus Metamodern Jesus Militant Jesus Mobile Device Jesus (iPhone Jesus) 9 Monastic Jesus Mormon Jesus Movie Jesus My Denomination's Jesus My Own Comfortable Conception of God Jesus My Very Own Jesus Mystical Peasant Jesus Name-It Claim-It Jesus National Anthem Jesus New Age Jesus New York Times Jesus No One Can Really Know Jesus Jesus Non-Conformist for the Sake of Non-Conformity Jesus Nouveau Jesus NRA Jesus Obsequious Jesus Occult Jesus Old-Time Religion Jesus One of the brothers in the lodge Jesus One of the members of the club Jesus Oprah Jesus Orthodox Jesus Our Jesus Overly Sensitive Jesus Own Personal Jesus Pacifist Jesus Paramedic Jesus Patriot Jesus Pentecostal Jesus Performance Art Jesus Personal Coach Jesus Personality Cult Jesus Philosopher Jesus Pimping Jesus Pithy Saying Jesus Polite Jesus Pop Culture Jesus Popular Jesus Populist Jesus Postmodern Jesus Powerball Jackpot Jesus Powerfully Persuasive and Emotionally Compelling Speaking Pastor Jesus President Jesus Professor Jesus Progressive Jesus Proletariat Rebel Jesus Promise Keepers Jesus Protestant Jesus Psychedelic Jesus Purpose-Driven Jesus Radical Jesus Rambo Jesus Reclusive Jesus Reconstructionist Jesus Regency Jesus Religious Science Jesus Republican Jesus Respectable Jesus Revolutionary Jesus Rich Full Lively Thoroughly Engaging Diversion Jesus Righteous Cause Jesus Rock Star Jesus Roman Jesus Safe Jesus Santa Claus Jesus Satirized Jesus Science Jesus Seventh Day Adventist Jesus Social Network Jesus Socially Active Radical Jesus Socratic Jesus Soft Cuddly Jesus Sol Invictus (Invisible Sun God) Jesus Sophisticated Cosmopolitan Jesus Special Creation of God Jesus, not quite God himself but very very special indeed Spiritualist Jesus who is okay with expert mediums conjuring the dead if it means well Stand By Israel Jesus Star-Spangled Banner Jesus Stuffy Churchly Jesus Stylized Jesus Suffering Jesus Super Hero Jesus Superman Jesus Superstar Jesus Svengali Jesus Sweet Baby Jesus Jesus Syncretist Jesus Take America Back Jesus Talking Head Jesus Taoist Jesus Tebow-Time Jesus Teddy Bear Jesus Television News Anchorman Jesus That Jesus the agents of Cain labor ceaselessly to promote in order to keep as many from the Real One as they can The Jesus St. Augustine made more understandable The Jesus Thomas Aquinas made more understandable The Man Upstairs Jesus The Only Thing That Matters Is Love Jesus 10 The Right Reverend Jesus Theosophist Jesus who respects all ideas about Jesus equally Therapist Jesus Thrill-Seeker Jesus Top Gun Attorney Jesus who's gotten his clients millions Touchdown Jesus! Traditional Jesus Trans Jesus Trendy Jesus Trinity Broadcasting (TBN) Jesus Twitter Jesus Unappeasable Jesus Unitarian Jesus Universalist Jesus Unknown Superior Jesus Utilitarian Jesus Utopian Vision Jesus Walking Dead Zombie Jesus Web-Centered "Reality" Jesus Western Civilization Hegemony Jesus What Would Jesus Do? Jesus "What-ever" Jesus Whichever Jesus now trendiest to embrace until the next popular/chic/attractive Jesus comes around Whichever Jesus you want me to believe in just don't hurt me okay White Jesus White Supremacist Nation Jesus Who is Jesus? Jesus Wholly Other Ethereal Jesus Wiccan Jesus Wicked Priest Jesus Widely Merchandised Jesus Wimpy Jesus With-It Jesus Woodstock Jesus Yoist Jesus 11 Your Own Jesus
Who then is the real Jesus?
Can’t say — if I did I’d be liable to make another Jesus. You’ll have to find out about Him for yourself.
For those who can't resist, take a peek here.
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1 Many Jesuses are included in the Catholic Jesus conception. They include the Jesus that is Mary, the Sacred Heart Jesus, the Jesus that is the Priest, the Jesus that is the Mother Superior, the Jesus that is the Patron Saint, the Christmas Baby Jesus, the Liberating the Poor Through Revolution Jesus, the Jesus Hanging Lifeless on the Cross, the Eucharistic Jesus in a Wafer, the Painfully Disappointed Jesus, the White Statue Jesus, the Jesus Who is Merely a Player in the Grand Sunday Morning Liturgical Performance Art Spectacle, the Jesus Whose Image Forms on the Window When the Light Hits It Just Right, the Pope Jesus, and the Father General Jesus — also listed here as the Unknown Superior Jesus.
This page was originally posted by David Beck at yourownjesus.net on November 13, 2004 This page was updated on May 27, 2024 |